The Future Homemakers of America Page 6

I said, ‘Her husband ever finds out, or the other wife, I don't like to think. If I had that done to me, Vern ever played away, I'd kill him.’

  ‘But that's different with men,’ she said. ‘That's in their nature. They can't hardly stop theirselves, what I've seen of it. That's like trying to keep a tomcat from straying.’

  I said, ‘Like hell it's different. A man stands up and makes his vows, he oughta keep to them.’

  My heart was pounding.

  She said, ‘I agree. But how do you get them to do it? That's the question. You can't be watching them every minute.’

  I was lost for words.

  ‘I tell you what,’ she said. ‘I always say to John Pharaoh, “Be good, and if you can't be good, be careful. You bring trouble to my door, I shall get you spayded. Then you'll be sorry.” Oh, there's May Gotobed. Can we give her a ride home?’

  I reported to Audrey, soon as I could.

  I said, ‘I am in shock. I'm sure Kath don't know what's been going on, but then, I'm not sure how much she'd care, if she found out. She has some highly unusual ideas about husbands, I must say.’

  ‘Mm,’ Audrey said. ‘So we keep Lois under surveillance. And when she's had time to cool down, I think I'll make a gesture of reconciliation. I think I'll invite her to join the Reading Circle I'm starting up. First book we're gonna read is The Good Earth.

  I said, ‘Yeah. I'm sure Lois wouldn't miss that for the world.’

  16

  A letter come from Mom Dewey. Crystal'd had her picture took at school, looked real cute, so of course I'd sent one to his folks and one to mine.

  ‘Dear Vern’, she wrote,

  I put Crystal on the ledge in the front kitchen, pride of place, and everybody that has seen her has remarked what a angelic face she has, spitting image of yourself aged five. We have had our troubles, your father brought in some grade ewes and some wethers, Romneys and Blue Faces, five got loose, got pasture bloat so bad they were goners, another one swallowed a French letter, excuse my language, and I'd sure like to know how one of them things got on Bolster Graze. If there's a way to die young, you can depend on a sheep to find it. Good money thrown after bad. I had my way we'd sell up, open a yarn store in Skowhegan. Norton Beebe, you'll remember Norton, pumped gas down in Palmyra, had a sister with a withered leg, he got killed out in Korea, he was in the infantry, National Guard, darned if I understand what this war is all about. I just’ give thanks that you're not out there, risking your neck. Best regards to your wife. Your loving mother, Clementine Dewey.

  Vern screwed it into a ball and sent it spinning across the room.

  ‘You read that?’ he said. ‘Not risking your neck? She ever hear about the Soviet Union? She ever hear a nucular capability? What's she think? I'm sitting here on my finger, flying a desk?’

  I said, ‘I dunno, Vern. How's she supposed to know what you're doing? I sure as hell don't.’

  ‘Norton Beebe,’ he said. ‘Guess he's some kinda hero now. Tell you, the trouble with Maine, folks there don't see the big picture. They're so busy thinking ‘bout some yellowskin shot Norton, they don't even know there's a big Russian grizzly after their asses. I guess you gotta look at the world from 42,000 feet to understand.’

  He was doing his sit-ups.

  ‘You seen anything of Lois?’

  I wondered where he might be coming from with a question like that. ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I think I did. Why d'you ask?’

  ‘She say anything ‘bout her birthday?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Only, Herb's fixing a surprise for her and he's worried she might have gotten wind of it.’

  ‘She never said.’

  ‘He brung it down to Beer Call tonight,’ he said, ‘show us what he'd done so far. He's carving her a roebuck. Amazing what that man can do with a knife. He's got a real knack.’

  I said, ‘You sure it's a roebuck?’

  ‘Yup,’ he said.

  I said, ‘You sure it's not a giraffe?’

  ‘Nope,’ he said. ‘Legs were too short.

  17

  I kept a low profile, stayed outta Lois's path for a day or two, but in the end she come to my door.

  ‘Guess we better clear the air? she said.

  She came in and I made coffee. It was hard, though, trying to talk normal with her, after what I had seen.

  ‘Peg,’ she said, ‘I know it didn't look good …’

  I said, ‘I didn't want to get involved, Lo.’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘Well, I figured it would have been Audrey's idea, snooping around, checking up on me. Thing is, you know, sometimes things happen that shouldn't … but it was the only time. I swear.’

  I said, ‘I don't wanna talk about it.’

  ‘Me neither,’ she said. ‘So that's that.’

  ‘Yup,’ I said.

  She said, ‘You do believe me?’

  ‘Of course,’ I said. I lied.

  ‘So we're friends again. Clean slate?’

  ‘Sure,’ I said. ‘Clean slate.’

  ‘Great!’ she said. ‘So you coming to Betty's tomorrow night? We're gonna have a pyjama party for my birthday. Booze, records, everything. Crystal can sleep over.’

  Vern and Ed and Herb were starting three weeks of night missions. Okey was on assignment, Norway or some place we weren't meant to know about.

  I said, ‘How about Audrey?’

  ‘Yeah. She's up for it,’ she said. ‘We declared a ceasefire. She's bringing potato chips.’

  18

  I said to Audrey, ‘Betty's twittering around making party favours and popping corn and I feel like I'm going to a party in a minefield.’

  ‘Panic over,’ she said. ‘I think we've put a stop to that little adventure. And no casualties!’

  I took along beer and a card, but I didn't wear my pyjamas. I kinda forgot, but it could just have been my way of holding out on Lois. I still had a certain something on my mind, until I seen some genuine sign of her shaping up.

  I said to Crystal, ‘You gonna play nicely with Sherry and Deana?’

  ‘Only if I don't have to be the baby or the patience,’ she said. Mommies and Hospitals were about the only games the Gillis girls knew. And sure enough, when we got there they were hauling Sandie around like a sack of grain, telling her she had to get a Band-Aid on her head.

  Crystal sat in the corner, going through Betty's albums. She never minded entertaining herself. I could hear her making up names for all the people in the photos. ‘Princess Nancy and Princess Jennifer and Princess Crystal Margaret Dewey, and they live in a palace and they are allowed a dog of their very own.’

  By the time the kids crashed it was ten o'clock and I was the only one left sober.

  ‘I'd like to toast a drink,’ Betty said, up-ending a Schlitz all over the rug. ‘To our birthday girl, Lois. And to my Ed, ‘cause Friday it'll be our ninth anniversary.’

  ‘Nine years!’ Lois said. ‘D'you get a emerald or something for that?’

  ‘Gosh, no. Nine is … Audrey, help me out here, is nine years cardboard or tin?’

  ‘Well, whatever you get, you've earned it.’ Lois was on the floor, sharing cushions and a bowl of potato chips with Gayle. ‘Nine years with Ed Gillis. You deserve a Purple Heart. Where'd you find that man, anyway?’

  ‘In Warsaw, Indiana,’ Betty said. ‘I was visiting with Glick cousins and Ed was the boy next door. It was love at first sight. How ‘bout you, girls? Audrey? How about you and Lance. Was it love at first sight?’

  Underneath that rosebud nightdress Betty had a heart of pure mush.

  ‘Kind of,’ Audrey said. ‘I liked his freckles first. I took my time deciding about the rest of him.’

  Betty said, ‘And what brought you together?’

  ‘Naked ambition,’ Lois said. ‘Audrey's the only one of us gonna make Mrs Full-Bird Colonel, and you heard it here first.’

  Audrey smiled. Seemed like the peace was gonna hold.

  ‘Actually,’ she said, ‘I suppose it was Route.94 broug
ht us together, ‘cause I was in Chicago, and Lance was in Great Lakes, Illinois. I wouldn't mind a buck for every time I drove that highway.’

  Lois had it about right, though, Lance being Lance T. Rudman II, son of the late Commodore Lance T. Rudman, US Navy, Annapolis Academy, white gloves and all and Audrey having such a cut-glass style about her.

  Anyway, I told them about me and Vern, and Gayle told us how she couldn't ever remember a time when she didn't know Okey. They used to swing on the same old truck tire and go to the same Baptist church. In 1946, he enlisted in the Army Air Corps, told her he'd be back for her and everybody said, ‘Hell'll freeze over before any Jackson boy keeps his word.’ First thing he did after he made the Officer Candidate School was write her ‘You coming, then?’

  ‘A real romantic proposal, huh?’ Lois poured herself another shot. ‘Well, my turn now. I was a Roller Derby queen, with the Corona Park Demonettes, and I was just gri-i-i-nding my skates one time when this Bluesuiter come up to me, says, “You don't mind my saying, miss, you got the prettiest hair I ever seen.” That was Herbert P. Moon, come up to the big city from McGuire on a weekend pass. I don't know where he learned his manners, but he was a gentleman. He kept writing me, after he went back, and I never was much of a penpal. Next thing I knew, he got orders to Hawaii, wanted to know would I make him a happy man? That was a tough call. Never thought I'd end up marrying a woodchuck, though …’ She squealed. ‘Speaking of woodchucks, I haven't showed you what I got for my birthday. I've been waiting till Sandie's little ears had stopped flapping for the night.’

  She crawled across the floor, behind Betty's couch, looking for her bag, sent the popcorn flying. ‘Hold on there, girls,’ she said. She had her hand inside the bag. ‘Now …’ she said. ‘I want you to bear in mind, this is a hand-crafted item. It was lovingly fashioned by my dear husband, using his own fair hands, and I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, you'll never have seen the like of it before. Girls, are you bored with those dreary gifts of Parisian scent? Do you dread unwrapping yet another pair of silky drawers trimmed with Chantilly lace and having to fake delight? Then why not drop a hint to the man in your life? You too could be the proud owner of a Herb Moon original …’ she brung it out with a flourish, ‘carved … dachshund-type animal!’

  I daresay that's the way it goes if you're a wood-carver. You hit a knot in the wood, you just got to go where it takes you and make the best of things. I guess there's a lesson there for all of us. I could still see a hint of giraffe about that dachshund's head, though.

  We laughed till we thought we'd die. Woke Sherry up with all that screaming, holding our aching guts and begging for mercy.

  ‘Mommy,’ she said, standing there with her little eyes all scrunched up. ‘Mommy? Did Daddy shout at you again?’

  19

  Vern was busy mixing up a mess of his Real Mean Barbecue Sauce.

  Vern Dewey's Real Mean Barbecue Sauce

  Mix 1 cup oil, 2 yellow onions (minced), 2 bell peppers (minced) and 2 red chillis (minced) with 2 cans of tomato pulp, 3 big spoons of sugar, 3 spoons of vinegar, a good pinch of salt and a dash of liquid hickory-smoke. The longer you leave the ribs in this, the better they'll be.

  ! WARNING!

  You better scrub your fingers real good afterwards. You get chilli juice on your privates you'll be sorry.

  He said, ‘I suppose you gotta drive out there, running a limousine service for the breeds?’ He was mad at me for inviting Kath and John Pharaoh for the Fourth of July. ‘Don't you know your history, Peg?’ he said. ‘It's a day of mourning for them. Day they lost the greatest nation on earth.’

  I'd just invited them for ribs and hamburger, was all.

  I said, ‘How about a little Christian kindness and hospitality? You seen the meat rations they been getting out there?’

  I had. I'd seen things on sale, I swear, bodily parts never intended to see the light of day, never mind the inside of a skillet. Brains. And tripe.

  ‘That's not so bad,’ Kath used to say, ‘if you can get an onion or two to put with it, cook it nice and slow – that's quite tasty.’ How the years can change a person.

  We were using the Gillises’ front yard, so Ed was in charge of ops. Audrey brought potato salad, Betty made brownies and Johnny Applesauce cake, Gayle and Lo were in charge of some evil brew they swore was Bloody Mary, and I made fried chicken. Vern and Okey were meant to be assisting Ed; Lance too, when he turned up. Recipe for war if ever I heard one, four jocks gathered around one barbecue pit.

  Wasn't long, though, till Okey and Vern lost interest in the secret of the perfect hamburger. Vern fetched a ball and they went across the road to Deek Kurlich's quarters, shoot a few hoops with him and his boy. Crystal followed, of course, getting under their feet, determined to be one of the gang.

  Herb was away on assignment. Just as well. First thing I seen when I pulled up outside Kath's house was John Pharaoh wearing one of Herb's old shirts. Lime green Ban-Lon, with a blue stripe. I'd have recognised it anywhere. He was carrying a raggedy old pillowcase, with something inside it. Gave me that sly smile and I blushed scarlet thinking of what he was at, the last time I seen him.

  ‘I got a surprise for you,’ he said. ‘For your party.’

  I really didn't want any more surprises from him. And if I had known what it was, I'd never have allowed him in my car with it.

  When Kath walked out the door, I hardly knew her. She'd had her hair curled up all night, touch of tangerine lipstick given her by Audrey, and a polka-dot ballerina skirt, Lois's one and only try at dressmaking, far as I knew. I'd wondered what had become of it. God knows she made us all suffer while she was working on it. Said the dots made her eyes hurt. Gave us earache, more to the point. Still, it had finally gone to a good home. Kath looked so pretty in it.

  By the time we got back to the base, Ed was cooking up a storm. It smelled so good. Deana run across and told Vern our company had arrived and food was near enough ready.

  I said, ‘Vern, this here's John. Why don't you get him a cold beer?’

  ‘Right,’ he said. Then, real quiet, to me, ‘Why? He lost the use a his legs?’

  Okey heard it. He said, ‘I'll get it, Vern. You ready for another?’

  So Okey passed John a beer and then he hung around the pit watching the Maple Short Ribs turn mahogany-brown. He didn't seem bothered Vern had turned his back on him. He just stood there, sucking on his beer and holding his pillowcase.

  Kath said, ‘You go steady with that ale, John Pharaoh.’

  I seen Ed sneering.

  ‘Easy to see who's wearing the pants there,’ he said. Priceless remark from a man that was wearing PT shorts and a plastic apron, but Vern sniggered anyway.

  I was so mad at him. He knew better than behaving like that, even if Ed didn't, but that's jocks for you. Put more than two of them together and you have a bunch of show-off kids.

  John had been studying the barbecue. He said, ‘You ever cook a barley eel on a griddle like that?’

  ‘No, my friend,’ Ed said, ‘I don't believe I did.’

  It was Okey looked inside the pillowcase. ‘Christamighty, Vern,’ he said, ‘you should see the size a this sucker.’

  Then John brought it outta the bag. It must have been four feet long, still had its head on, but no skin. Betty screamed. I think I did too. I heard Vern whistle. Get him on to fishing and all that talk about breeds and knuckle-grazers was soon forgot.

  ‘Jeez!’ he said. ‘You catch that hereabouts?’

  John said, ‘Yes. That's a green barley. They just started running.’ He looked so proud. ‘He's a big un, this one,’ he said. ‘When I seen him in the grig this morning, I thought to save him, bring him along. I know how you Colonials like your grub. Kath'll tell you how to cook him.’

  Kath Pharaoh's Way with Eels

  The young ones are the best, before they've turned yellow. Put them in a pillowcase with a handful of salt and swish that around in a tub of water till the slimine
ss is gone. Fry them in bacon fat. They're soon done. If you can't get elvers, then get an old boy, eight or nine years old. After you've skinned him, cut him into two-inch pieces and bake him on a grid. That needs a good hot flame. Nice with piccalilli.

  Vern and Okey were inspecting the beast.

  ‘Stun it with a mallet?’

  ‘Had to,’ he said. ‘Generally I pierce them through the spine with a skewer. Couldn't hold this old boy, though. I had to give him a clout with my hammer.’

  ‘Skin come off easy?’

  ‘Not too bad. Do you put a slip-loop round him, hang him from a good strong hook, then cut round him, just aback of his head –Stanley knife does it nice and clean — then grab holt of the skin here, use a pair of pliers and just give that a good old pull, that comes off, like peeling off a glove. He might still jerk around a bit, but you just pay no heed. Do you cut his head off, he'll soon calm down.’

  I heard something behind me. Turned just in time to see Lois, running to the bathroom. Ed fetched a good knife and they carved that evil-looking creature into steaks and made space for them on the hot grid.

  Lance made a big entrance. He'd been at the Officers’ Club helping to set up the fireworks. He strode in, said a few kind words to everybody, shook John and Kath by the hand like he was some visiting dignitary, asked them had they come far and all that. Then he called us to order and we all looked to the flag.

  Little Gayle stood on a kitchen chair in her gingham pedal-pushers and sang us the Star Spangl'd Banner, fine voice she had. I had to wipe a tear, I felt so far from home. Wherever that might be. I didn't miss my mom nor my sister, and me and Vern had moved around so much I didn't really belong anyplace any more. Maybe it was the fumes from the Kurlichs’ charcoal briquettes made my eyes water. Maybe it was the eel.

  Vern said, ‘There goes 366 Squadron, generating more smoke than heat, as usual.’ Just a little light enmity between aircrews. We were playing them at softball after eats and we had plans to whup their hides.

  Kath was acting shy, with the guys around, I guess, till she saw Okey start giving the girls pony-rides on his back. Then she joined in, down on her hands and knees with little Sandie clinging round her neck, shouting giddyup.